How many of you listen to others when you socialize or trying to help someone? I mean like actually listen to them. Not like listening from one ear and out of the other. The kind of listening that I’m talking about is active listening. You know, the kind of listening where you devote your time and energy to actually try and understand what someone else is going through.
The truth is: no one really does it. I don’t care how good you say you are at listening, I bet if I had a conversation with you I could tell that you’re not paying attention. How do I know this? They’re clear signs to tell if someone is paying attention to you or not.
Too Many Distractions
The first main sign that someone’s not paying attention to you and not active listening is that they are too distracted by something or someone else. Just got a notification on your phone? You go and check it. Saw a familiar face in the distance? You decide to look that way to see if you know that person.
Everywhere around us is nothing but distractions. Technology was supposed to help us listen better, but in fact, it has made us really bad at listening. I used to do this all of the time.
My friend would be talking to me and I would always have my earbuds in. I would hear everything that she was saying, but I came off as rude and unattentive. Every time she would ask me what she said, I would recall every important information back at her.
You might be wondering how could I do this every time? Well, the truth is that I use music to eliminate all of the background noise surrounding me. This includes the traffic outside, people talking and people working. Music serves as my place of silence and I always keep it very low, so I can hear people call or talk to me.
What you also don’t know is that I did all of the other bad things that we all do when we “think” we are listening to others. I will touch on this later, but let’s focus on the main points I wanted to cover in this article.
Bad Body Language
Another really bad way to show someone that they’re not paying attention or listening is by their body language. You don’t know how many people I can read just by looking at their body language.
Just pay attention to someone not looking at you or have their body shifted across from you. You will be amazed at how many people do that without even realizing it. When you are truly listening to someone, you give them your full attention, meaning facing them. When you face them, you minimize possible distractions that may interrupt your listening skills.
The main problem with not having good body language is that it’s so easy to do. You don’t even realize that you’re looking away or that your body is shifted in another direction. Just make sure that you are focused and active listening.
Subjective Listeners Not Active Listeners
Another point that doesn’t get talked about really in any other blogs is that most people don’t pay attention or actively listen is because they are subjective listeners. You know those people that only pay attention if it truly benefits them or if they hear their name out of nowhere.
Let’s face it, we’ve all been subjective listeners at some point in our lives. I’m definitely guilty of it. It’s like reading in a way. We don’t want to read the whole book, we just want to find the information that’s most useful for us.
The same thing can be applied to listening. That’s why most of us are subjective listeners and not active listeners. How many of you would like to do what I value my whole life doing? Listening to other people’s stories and figuring out ways to help them get out of personal issues. It’s not as easy as you think when you look at the average attention span of a human. The average attention span of a human is only a mere 8 seconds. Try listening to someone for a whole conversation let alone for a 50-minute therapy session.
Subjective Listener
Anyways, let’s get back to the topic at hand. I’m going to list 3 different scenarios and tell me how many of them you can relate to.
- You go to someone for advice and they begin to tell you their experience of the issue when you didn’t ask them for it.
- You’re going to help someone and they give you way too much information on what you asked for.
- You go to have a conversation with someone and they go off topic and talk about other things that aren’t important. (I’m so guilty for this one)
Now after assessing these three scenarios, how many of you encountered these before? I’m guessing all of them or maybe 2 out of 3. I’m also guessing that you didn’t actively listen when you were in these situations, but in fact, subjectively listened. You didn’t care about the information that people gave you, you just wanted what you were looking for.
How To Become Good At Active Listening
You may be wondering how does one become good at active listening. Well, let me give you a few pointers for you to practice and get good at listening to people.
- Don’t listen to solve, listen to understand. You might get confused when I say this, but in fact, many people do this. Mental health professionals are especially guilty of this as well. This means listening to someone only to come up with a solution on how to solve their problems. This is wrong. Completely wrong! You should be listening to understand someone completely. That’s how trust is built and how empathy is shown. No one wants to go to someone for advice only for them to give you a list of ways to help you. Most of those things aren’t even related to your problem.
- Have good body language by giving positive affirmations. When I say positive affirmations, I am referring to statements like uh-huh and I understand. It gives the other person a signal that they are listening and understanding what they are saying. Don’t use these too often or else people will think you are trying to get them to stop talking.
- Put those distractions down, especially your phone when you talk to people. How many of you ever had a full conversation with someone without taking your phone out? I bet most of you haven’t. People come to you for a reason whether it is to socialize or to look for help, so use their time wisely. Put your phone away when you are helping someone or talking to a friend. The only occasion where you should take it out is for an emergency.
