Isolation, lack of power, loss of control, trauma, depression, and worst of them all, poor mental health. What am I talking about exactly? Well I’m glad you asked because these are all results that can happen if you’ve experienced domestic violence. Now, domestic violence is a broad term in itself. Domestic violence is also known as dating violence, intimate partner violence, etc. According to TheFreeDictionary, domestic violence is any abusive, violent, coercive, forceful, or threatening act or word inflicted by one member of a family or household.
Reporting vs. Non-Reporting
I personally believe that domestic violence happens all of the time, but most cases do not get reported. This is due to the fact that family members are afraid of what’s going to happen to the abuser, especially the person that’s being abused. No one wants to break a family apart like that. So many good memories shared between all of you and it can flip right around in an instant. All of the results that I mentioned above is what would happen if the violence continued, but most of those issues would remain if things stopped.
If a man was sexually assaulted and reported it, he would be feeling isolation, trauma, depression, and poor mental health, etc. He would have felt the results either way, whether he reported it or not. The main difference between the two is: reporting it allows everyone safety while not reporting it is more safe to yourself.
If you report domestic violence, it makes the abuser not able to go after other people because they would most likely go to jail. This provides safety for all of the other potential victims that the abuser might have targeted. If you choose not to report domestic violence and the abuser is out of your life, you would be more safe because they are gone. Most likely, the abuser would go after other people, which is not safe for them.
The Stigma Around Men
According to the description of an article regarding domestic violence on Psychology Today, “Domestic violence is an epidemic inflicted primarily on women by men all over the world, though men and women can be victimized in both heterosexual and same sex relationships.” That just doesn’t make sense to me at all. Domestic violence is not inflicted primarily on women by men. It’s just false! I do believe that women experience domestic violence more than men, but not by a huge margin. The truth is that: most men do not report these acts of violence. Most men do not report anything significant happening to them as they would prefer to deal with it on their own.
That’s why most studies on anything regarding mental health is on women. That’s why women have higher risks for literally every mental health disorder than men. Despite that, I believe that women have a higher chance of receiving physical and sexual abuse while men have a higher chance of receiving emotional and economic abuse. These four types of abuses are the main forms of domestic violence and they are fairly common. You may already know what these four types are, but let me give you a refresher on them just in case you forgot.
Physical Abuse
According to betterhelp, physical abuse is any deliberate act, behavior or physical force by an individual or individuals. This would refer to actions such as hitting, biting, kicking, strangling, etc. In this case, women have a higher risk for physical abuse than men. Men generally are stronger than women, so it would be easier for them to act out of violence towards them. Also, women are more emotional than men. This means that whenever there is an argument or dispute going on, women are more likely to talk it out with their partners. Men are more likely to use power to demonstrate control and authority over women. The same can be said with families instead of relationships.
A mother would be caring and nurturing towards their kids while the father would be more blunt and direct with their kids. That doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with that approach. It’s just that that approach would have a higher chance of shifting family dynamics to gain power and control.
Safety Plan for Physical Abuse
1. Be prepared for the worst possible scenario
You never know when you’re about to be physically assaulted. You can have a wonderful day with no problems and then everything goes downhill in an instant. It’s best to prepare for the worst possible scenario to make sure that you’re always in a safe environment. Carry pepper spray and learn self-defense, so you have a few moments to run away and get help. Trust me, those few brief seconds count!
2. Notice the early warning signs and prepare for them
If you noticed that your family always argues and one of them is ready to snap, then prepare for it when it does happen. Try to calm everyone down as much as you can and if you can’t do that, leave. Give them space to blow of some steam, so they don’t lash it out on you. If you notice that your marriage is going south and your spouse keeps yelling at you and giving you threats, stay away from them. Yes, I’m making it sound much easier than it already is, but it’s true.
It will potentially tear the whole family apart, but it ensures that everyone is safe. You can prepare what will happen next in your life, which is better than potentially having no life at all.
3. Call for help
You can’t do it all by yourself, so ask for help from people that you trust. Call a professional and inform them about the situation that you’re in. It just might save your life. Just make sure that the abuser does not know that you are seeking help. This is really important if you’ve already been a victim of physical abuse because it grants you the most safety.
Sexual Abuse
According to the American Psychological Association, “sexual abuse is unwanted sexual activity, with perpetrators using force, making threats or taking advantage of victims not able to give consent.” The most common form of sexual abuse comes from rape. Rape is when someone is sexually abused without the ability to give consent. The victims could be physically aware that rape is going on, but they don’t have the ability to fight back. They could also be unconscious and fully unaware of what’s been happening to them.
In this case, women have a higher chance of getting raped than men do. With this being said, this does not mean that men do not get raped as well. Most forms of sexual abuse does not get reported, mainly due to the fact that it’s hard to get enough evidence for a case. The victim could also be afraid and ashamed of admitting what has happened to them. To me, that is like a double-edged sword.
On one side, you protect yourself from being ashamed of letting people know that you were sexually assaulted. Less people know about it, so you don’t feel so miserable about what’s going on because the issue wont get elevated. One the other side, the longer you wait to report it, the harder it is to get a case out their for you. The faster a case is put out their, the greater chance for it to be solved. The victim would be put into jail, which protects everyone including yourself.
Safety Plan for Sexual Abuse
1. Make sure you trust the person you’re with
It’s important to trust the people that you surround yourself with. If you go to a party, would these people make sure that I am safe? Would they take me home if I had too many drinks? If you’re not 100% sure that these things would happen, then it is best for you not to go. You’ll never know what can happen at night or if you’re by yourself.
2. Do not let the other person control you
If your spouse wants to have sex with you and halfway through, you decide that you want things to stop, then things should stop. There is no time for second guessing things here. If someone says stop or doesn’t give you any consent, it is time to walk away. Do not let others control you. You’re the only person that can control yourself.
3. Have someone actively ready to intervene if needed
If you suspect something bad might happen to you, inform a close relative or friend on standby if they can. This will allow you to receive help quickly and give you some safety if things go wrong. Make sure your phone is near you at all time, so you can notify them as well. It makes things much easier for the both of you and you gain more trust.
Emotional Abuse
According to One Love Foundation, emotional abuse refers to
“Any abusive behavior that isn’t physical, which may include verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation, which most often unfolds as a pattern of behavior over time that aims to diminish another person’s sense of identity, dignity and self worth, and which often results in anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts or behaviors, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).”
One Love Foundation
Another name for emotional abuse is psychological abuse, which makes sense because it involves thoughts and behaviors. To me, I feel like men have a higher chance of receiving emotional abuse. The reason I say this is because men typically have higher expectations in the household than women. If men do not have enough money to raise the family, he gets criticized. He gets criticized if he does not have a good, high paying job.
Men’s self worth is always in jeopardy due to this, which isn’t fair to them. I also believe that since women are mainly emotional, they would use that towards their advantage when in a relationship. The same thing for physicality when it comes to men in a relationship. The other results that you can get from emotional abuse is very prevalent in males. I also believe that everyone experiences emotional abuse in the household, especially children.
Safety Plan for Emotional Abuse
1. Know your worth
It’s important to know how much you really worth. If you value yourself, then you would not accept any verbal abuse from others. It’s inevitable to experience any kind of verbal abuse, but it’s up to you whether you believe it or not. Remember, what you believe about yourself is what matters the most.
2. Talk it out
If this kind of abuse is going on in the relationship, then something is not going well. If you sense something is going on in the relationship, talk it out with your spouse. See what’s going on and find the source of the problem, so you can resolve it before things get worse.
3. Walk away
Sometimes, the best thing to do is walk away and let things die down before you try and solve things. If you feel like nothing will work out and that things would get worse if you stayed there, walk away. Let them come to you if they would like to talk.
Economic Abuse
A 2011 Research Article stated that 94-99% of people experience economic abuse in their relationship. Economic abuse refers to financial issues in the relationship involving control of finances, giving another spouse an allowance, and restricting all kinds of decisions that deal with money. Now, this happens in every relationship to a degree. For example, your spouse has a spending problem or if you make all of the money in the household. In those instances, it is reasonable to have more financial control than the other.
I see more men doing this because they typically make more money with women. The women that do make more money than men would do the exact same thing. However, it is women that generally spend more than men when it comes to wants than needs. This is why I don’t see this as much of a form of domestic violence, but some extremes need to be taken account of.
If another form of domestic violence is going on with this one as well, then it could have dangerous outcomes. It leaves the other person in financial crisis, which means they cannot leave their spouse. If they cannot leave their spouse, then they are going to receive more domestic violence, which makes the situation worse. So what do you do then?
Safety Plan for Economic Abuse
1. Make sure that you have enough money to leave
It’s always best to expect the worst thing to happen in anything. No relationship is perfect and not many marriages last. Divorce rates have risen to 67%, which means that there is a higher chance that you’re marriage isn’t going to last forever. Make sure that you can provide for yourself, so no one has to provide for you. Keep a savings account or an emergency fund for yourself, so you can be in good hands if you do have to leave.
2. Find someone that you can stay with
If you don’t have enough finances and you need to leave, then find someone that’s willing to help you out with things. This can be tricky if you want to take your kids with you, but it is a idea nonetheless. This wouldn’t be a long-term plan though. It would only be until you can get yourself back on your feet. Remember, self-discipline is key to accomplish anything. When you get back on your feet, be sure to thank them and do something nice for them in return.
Alternatives
These safety plan ideas sound great, but not all of them can be useful for you. This is true, especially for people that already experienced domestic violence or are children. Here are some alternatives that I would like to present to you.
- Crisis Text Line: Offers 24/7 support for anyone in crisis. Ask them for referrals to other online resources regarding domestic violence.
- Online Resources: National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource that provides lots of helpful information. Another beneficial resource would be 211 LA.
- In-Person Resources: There are many support groups and intervention classes regarding domestic violence that can help you prepare for the future. Department of Social Services is a good resource that provides walk-in centers and groups for women.
- Online Therapy: Online therapy is a great way to get support, especially if you feel uncomfortable seeing someone in person. Consumersadvocate offers a great, in-depth article that goes through the best online therapy services available.
No matter what resource or plan you use, make sure that you take the necessary steps to get out of this situation. Domestic violence is a serious thing that happens to a lot of people, so make sure that you are well prepared to deal with it if it comes to you.
