Depression feels a lot like pure misery, emptiness, and a lot of frowning. How do I know? When I was a teenager, I was depressed for about 5 years. I even hated myself since the age of 5, which is crazy to think about.
I would always look in the mirror while I was getting ready for school and question my existence.
- “Why do I look like this?”
- “Why couldn’t I look like someone else?”
- “Can I just not be here anymore?”
- “Why couldn’t someone else take my spot?”
As you can see, I wasn’t the happiest kid in the world. Not even close! To be honest, I don’t even know what happiness is or feels like. I even made an article on why true happiness cannot be achieved.
All I wanted to do as a kid was to go to school and enjoy life. Who doesn’t want to have fun and enjoy life as a kid? That didn’t really go as planned for me.
Elementary School (Before Depression)
It started in elementary school. I was one of the brightest students in school and I had to face more obstacles than any other student.
The reason I say that is because of my attendance in school. Out of 55 days in the progress report, I would come only 27. That’s less than half! I never went to school a full week!
I never really got to develop the social skills needed for the future because I was around adults more than kids. This would show when I got to middle school.
Middle School (The Great Depression)
This was when my depression started and it got severe. This was when the bullying started. Got teased every day by a lot of people. I didn’t really know how to talk to people well, so I just tried to fit in as best as possible.
I had a few “friends” but I couldn’t call them close friends. They weren’t the type of friends that I could talk to if anything was wrong.
Long story short, I quickly became depressed because of it. I had no social support system and no ways of improving the situation. I tried everything I could think of.
- Isolating myself, but they would just find me or I would feel worse
- Reached out to friends, but I did that too much and got tired of me or they just didn’t know how to help
None of those things worked for me. I couldn’t tell my parents anything because I would get picked on and talked about at home. It was like I had no safe space to go to. I didn’t know what place was better: school or home. Constant teasing or constant yelling.
I ended up sticking with a few good friends that I had at school and locking myself in the room when I get home. I felt trapped and almost abandoned in a way.
For the friends that I bugged to death for help, I’m sorry. I had nothing and no one to go to. It’s like being stuck in a recurring nightmare. This is where the suicidal thoughts came in.
Suicide & The Imaginary World
For five years straight, I went to school, tried to fit in and locked myself into my room. I even had my own imaginary world I created for myself (I still have it to this day!). It gave me an outlet to go to so I never felt alone.
You know those imaginary friends you had when you were a little kid? I still have them. People come and go, but I still have my main group. To be honest, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have them. They got me through so much.
I don’t know what kind of illness or disorder it is (if it is one), but I don’t care. It doesn’t really affect me in any way. If I didn’t have it, I wouldn’t be alive right now.
The suicidal thoughts in my head were intense. The thoughts were rapid fire and constant. If I took all of my thoughts together and make one though, it would be:
My life and everyone else’s life would be much better if I wasn’t here anymore.
High School (The Great Recession)
It’s a sad thought, but it’s true. These came when I entered high school. The weird thing about it was that I was no longer being bullied at school or being yelled at home. It was the long term effects of bullying that deteriorated my mental health over time.
Worst Year of My Life
It was the 9th grade where I was at my absolute worst. I didn’t know anyone and I had to start all over again with my little social skills. I found myself complaining about the world and why it was unfair all the time. Happiness was something that never happened and I always had something to be upset about.
It’s like I was conditioned to negative self-talk and wishes. Nothing was ever good enough and I was never good enough for this world. I just couldn’t find a way to be happy.
I should be happy since nothing is bothering me, but it didn’t turn out that way. The reason why was because I never loved myself, I never even liked myself a tiny bit.
I still could hear all of those words and any positive word would exit my mind. It felt like being in an empty bottomless pit full of darkness and silence.
I ended up making an attempt, but couldn’t go through with the full thing. The truth was that I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t know what to do to get rid of feeling depressed and miserable. Every day I just cried inside because tears wouldn’t come out of my eyes. I never cry even when really sad things happen.
High school continues and I made two more attempts in 11th grade (my favorite and best year) but was unable to go through with it again.
Today (After Depression)
Fast forward to today. My depression is gone and I’m starting to enjoy myself more. It wasn’t because I study psychology or look into mental health all the time. It was because I learned from my journey through depression. As bad as this sounds, I’m kind of glad that I went through it. Not all of it but parts of it.
Positives
- Being depressed made me learn a lot about myself. I’m more resilient and have more toughness. I don’t care about what people think about me. For people that know me, you know that I always speak the truth and am 100% honest with you even though it’s not the answer you’re looking for.
- I’m more comfortable being me and this journey has allowed me to actually see who I really am. I accept any kind of joke or insult because I’ve heard so many of them. It got to the point where I got used to them and they all got old. I also know when people are lying to me because people did that to me all the time.
- You also are more aware of how being depressed feels, so you know when you’re about to go back to that feeling. You also know how to get out of it if you notice that you’re drawing yourself back in.
Negatives
- This journey has made me really antisocial and lacking social skills. You can still see it today. If I’m not comfortable with you, I’m not gonna say anything. You have to be the one to speak to me first and then I’ll try and be open with you.
- I became a closed open book. I will not open to you naturally but you can ask me anything and I will answer it. That’s not changing anytime soon.
- I still rely on my imaginary world to bring me excitement when I’m bored or have no one to talk to (happens often!). I don’t see that as a negative but I feel like it would be negative to many people.
- I’ve never got to experience the feeling of happiness for a long period of time because of my depression. It’s something I would like to experience, so I know how it feels. I’ve had brief moments where I was happy, but that’s it. I’m usually content.
